Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
DETROIT (UPI) -- Some of the more than 40 workers given termination papers from a Detroit construction site said they were fired as a consequence of jaywalking.

Employment experts are openly worried that Jay Leno has now tasted blood, and could be attempting to steal the jobs from everyone on the entire planet.FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI) -- A Texas man who missed his senior year of high school to fight in World War II said he has finally received a diploma at the age of 84.

However, sources say that the man is having a terrible time finding a prom date.
NORFOLK, Va. (UPI) -- U.S. animal rights group PETA says it has backed away from a Florida billboard campaign for neutering pets using Tiger Woods' image.

Experts are surprised to find that the idea of billboard featuring a sexually active tiger that didn't want to have any cubs is too controversial for the normally publicity-hungry PETA.
SACRAMENTO (UPI) -- California Attorney General Jerry Brown was expected to announce he will try to be elected governor once more, seeking an office he left nearly 30 years ago.

Singer Jello Biafra is allegedly pleased at this rare chance to do a remix project.
ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia (UPI) -- Millions of dollars in Western aid meant for victims of the Ethiopian famine of the mid-1980s instead went toward purchasing weapons, a report says.

On a more positive note, the thousands of likely deaths due to the use of those weapons means that "We Are The World" can now be considered the most gangsta song of all time.
PROVIDENCE, R.I. (UPI) -- Rhode Island state veterinarian Scott Marshall says euthanasia may be the best response to threats posed by the state's feral cat population.

Youths in Asia responded by calling the idea racist and insulting.
KIEV, Ukraine (UPI) -- Ukraine needs to reform its gas sector to draw foreign investments, European officials say.

Ukraine promises to try and improve its diet, and maybe spent a little time in the gym.
SEATTLE (UPI) -- The University of Washington hangout that became the first restaurant in the Red Robin chain is closing.

The restaurant promises to return after it finishes searching for Bruce Wayne.