You can’t keep my deposit! That’s illegal!Fine, you win. I’ll vacuum the stupid place before I move out.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

Hit HappensProTools gear? Check. Surefire hit songs like “Love Infarction” and “Keyboard Shortcut To You, Girl”? Check. Now all I need to start my production career is a snappy nickname.

You guys like movies with mind-bending twists and somewhat confusing endings? Recent movie box office numbers certainly seem to say you do. With that in mind, we'd like to call your attention to a slightly underground gem that you can now watch for free through Google Video.

Suck It UpGood for leaks of all types. Well, okay, maybe not ALL types.

Ah, New Jersey. Is there no end to the gifts the Garden State is capable of giving us?

It may be hard for the current generation to fully grasp, but when we were kids, something like this:
 

 

He Was Internet Before Internet Was CoolToday, we salute a great man. A man who called himself “Black Bart The Po8” when 1337 was just a street address.

Apparently it’s Picture Day at the local tavernAnd I neglected to wear a clean shirtWhen I found McCormick’s, I thought: This is it. Here’s a dank, dreary, horrible little pit of a pub where I can medicate myself with liquid depressants with no distractions.

Look, we’re certainly not suggesting anything.But we’ve seen a couple episodes of Dexter.

Duke/UNC? Boston/New York? Southern Baptist/Militant Shiite? Whatever, amateurs. Fight all you want, but you've got nothing on the "Spider-Man: Brand New Day" debate.

I mean, we already kinda knew that, but now Twitter backs it up. Or rather, a three year study by The College of Computer and Information Science at Northeastern University backs it up.

Future-ProofYou really want an iPod Touch, but your spouse says it’s not in the family budget? I bet they’d change their tune if the fate of the planet was at stake.

You know, often when I'm drinking a beer while sitting on my couch and staring off into space for hours in an attempt to make the darkness and pain I've tried so long to keep bottled up in the depths of my heart from bubbling up to the surface, I sometimes think to myself, "Man, if only this beer was stronger and I were drinking it out of a stuffed roadkill coozie. THEN maybe I could get my life back on track."
Finally, someone has heard my silent prayers.

Food + technology = art at Inside Insides, a blog consisting of nothing but animated MRI images of food. Corn has never looked so beautiful:

Annoyingly, the first post above the fold right now is just a list of downloadable animated files. Scroll past it to get to the good stuff. 

Don’t Let’s SmartYou think you’re better’n me just because you got some fancy automatic polarity adjustment?

How come when people try to train their pets to "talk", "I love you" is always the thing they make them say? That's not hard. OF COURSE they love their owners. I'd tell anyone I loved them if they walked me, fed me, and cleaned up my poo. That's why I got married, after all.

Every week in this space, we'll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that's Woot Weads the Wire.

Another Tale From The Mean StreetsOnce upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks, trying to put her life together again.

Adventure? Excitement? Maybe Jedi don't crave these things, but when your average day consists of harrowing stories about the dog getting out of the yard again or the idiot who can't seem to grasp the use of the self-checkout lane at the grocery store, a little danger and intrigue goes a long way.

The problem with an internet-centric society is the double-standard with nerd rage: it's perfectly acceptable to type up the most hateful screed this side of a hate crime and fire it off at complete strangers while remaining anonymous behind your clever avatar, beerdude69420. On the other hand, when you try sending that stuff out through the good ol' US Postal Service people assume you're holed up in a cabin somewhere deep in the woods of Montana taping twigs to bombs.

CommencementThe seed we plant in this man’s mind may change everything. Or, at the very least, help us clear out the warehouse a little.

Full disclosure: I've been known to invoke the five-second rule myself. But even the most ardent believers would probably find their faith shaken if the dropped foodstuff happened to land in a pile of cow dung instead of a tidy tile floor. So the "findings" reported in this Chicago Tribune article don't exactly shatter my paradigms.

Some of you may remember the exciting tale of Christian Schlachte, the young man who only wanted one thing: our help in getting his lazy teacher on stage to give out diplomas. We felt this was a good cause, so we gave Christian a lightly-precedented front page shout out. It looked like this!
 

 

Two’s On FirstOn the screen, they were the chummy comedy team that tickled America until it peed. But when the cameras stopped rolling, so did the laughs.

You downloaded that from where?Oh, no, dude, you don’t want to watch that.

There’s something about an analog watch that’s just plain classy.Plus you can’t hypnotize women with a digital watch.

Here at Woot we've got our finger on the pulse of the internet at all times. We're tuned into the zeitgeist, up to date on pop culture, and ahead of any and all curves. Which is why we were mildly surprised that Old Spice's recent campaign has become something of a meme. You guys know that stuff still smells like grandpa, right?

It’s Like You’re Right ThereThere are many great places in the world. But most of them won’t let you play the vuvuzela when you visit.

1. "Why don't you all just call somebody who cares? OH WAIT"
2. "You see, in our efforts to steer people away from all types of pornography, we added this 'feature' as a way of keeping you all from calling intimate 1-900 numbers. Who's embarrassed now, perverts?"
3. "Like anyone actually reads Consumer Reports, am I right? I mean, really, the cool people get all their Apple news and analysis from completely unbiased sources like Daring Fireball."
4. "You guys know it does folders now, right?"